I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
