My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
