My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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