if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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