I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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