No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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