the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize