i think my mom watched the whole time
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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