I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
