Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
