she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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