Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
