you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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