Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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