His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
false alarm, still single
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