Dual....:-)
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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