Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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