If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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