Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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