My first STD was from a foam party
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
