I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
