did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
