Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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