Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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