He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Randomize
