he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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