Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
