Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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