All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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