the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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