I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
jump out the window naked night went bad
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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