I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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