She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
false alarm, still single
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
