haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
