Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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