I can text with my tongue
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
