I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
You are the jesus of drinking
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
