You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
