Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
