Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
