This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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