i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
