I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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