i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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