i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
