my mouth tastes like poor choices
Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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