Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
