i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
