I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize