Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
