he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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