Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
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