our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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