her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
