the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My legs feel like baby dolphins
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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