Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
