i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
