i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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