i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
