Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
